Patience, Faith and Emails

Image courtesy of VinothChandar at Flickr.com

I started writing this blog post yesterday, and I was saying how if I want to trust my intuition and the impressions I get, I have to stop hiding my spiritual side. I tend to shy away from expressing my spirituality because of my fear of being judged and deemed crazy again.

I also started talking about the image of the group of elders that came to me when I was meditating yesterday. The elders told me that I can have everything I long for, and then they said three words; patience, faith and emails. They just spoke those three words, but that was enough, I knew what they meant.

Then, as if in confirmation, I got an email from the OT at Gage. Emails are my primary way of connecting and communicating with the world, and in order to manifest my goals, I need to have patience as well as faith.

About an hour and a half later, I meditated again, and I ended up falling asleep. I was drowned by two guys in the dream I had then. The pool that was to be my watery grave had a crocodile or an alligator in it. The men left me to my dismal fate as the croc came up  to devour me. However, before he did so, he whispered "trust me." Then he took me in his jaws, and threw me out of the water. The reptile was very gentle with me when I was in his  toothie embrace, and when he threw me onto the concrete beside the pool

After watching Veronica's latest video about the paradigm shift, this morning, my dream and vision makes more sense. I just looked up the animal symbolism for the crocodile, and I found out that he represents opportunities to gain new wisdom and create new things. 

Moving Forward

Image courtesy of adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Today was a good day! I forgot how good it felt to meditate, get out of my head, and just be. I have been really anxious about trying to get published, moving out and getting my power chair fixed up so I'm able to move. However, when I meditated, all that anxiety and weight fell away. I'm going to try to remember to vacate my head more often.

Anyways, people from Gage came today, and in spite of my electric chair not getting fixed in time for them to see me use it, things worked out for the best. I am going to be getting a new chair even though I'm not really eligible for another one for a year - my OT (occupational therapist), said that there are exceptions like changes to my health which can override the five year rule. (I'm only eligible for a new wheelchair every five years.) A lot of exciting things are in the works for me in regards to moving out! I'll be getting a shower chair as well as a phone that I can actually use by myself. 

The OT and the health educator who came today, reminded me that every step I take counts regardless of its size. I'm still moving forward and towards my goal. Then they said that I've come a long way, and I thought to myself, "yeah, I guess I have." 

Trust

 I am being presented with a few really awesome opportunities and some major, "life-altering" decisions right now...well, actually there are truly only two things to decide. However, let me back up a bit, and tell you this tale properly.

This past Tuesday, I wore my "lucky" Wicked t-shirt whilst messing around online. I was chatting and whatnot when I met a guy who turned out a publisher from Lethbridge, Alberta! Not only has he made me my own site, but he has offered to help me publish Starkeeper, achieve my goals, and do some FREAKING SWEET stuff! I'm super glad and GRATEFUL to have met him, but my doubts and fears surrounding my vulnerability have been triggered. Therefore, the first thing that I am deciding to do is not be controlled by my fears. The other decision I'm making is to trust myself even when people advise me to do the opposite. I must faith that my intuition will protect me and guide me along the right paths in this publishing adventure, moving out and whatever adventures the future might bring. 

Oh, and on the subject of moving out, it looks like I'll be going to Toronto after all! Everything seems to finally be falling into place.

What Will Be Will Be

I agonized over the following for most of yesterday, and during the night, I came to the understanding that what will be will be. Whatever path I end up on, is where I'm supposed be.¸

The publisher that I met this week wants to find a co-writer and an illustrator to help me redo my book. I was worried about this but I was also worried about how he would react if I told him. I didn't want him to think that I'm not serious and then lose out on this amazing opportunity.  However, if I didn't tell him, I wouldn't be staying honest and true to myself, and that is very important to me. If I learned anything from Glee and the other things that inspire me; is not to afraid to be me and express myself. Plus, I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and what will be will be.

Seeing Beyond the Traps

Hey guys, for those of you that have me on Facebook, Twitter and/or Tumblr, you might have seen my post about how no publisher or literary agency in Canada wants to take on my book. When I got that last rejection letter on Thursday, I started to shutdown.  I felt lost and numb. I didn't know what else to do. It is not my story that people have problems with; it's the way I draw. However, I cannot draw any other way, I have a disability, and I'm doing the best I can. My illustrations are definitely not on the same level as the art in an Alan Moore novel, but they're not horribly primitive either. They are pretty decent, though that isn't good enough...but there it is; my Achilles' Heel. Every time I get close to achieving my goals, the notion that I'm not good enough because of my particular physical limitations entraps me, and keeps me from accomplishing what I set out to do.

This limiting belief got in the way of me modelling, acting, screenwriting, dating, moving out, and even graduating from high school. I graduated eventually, however, it was extremely tough. The mind is a very powerful thing. Our perceptions can quite literally make or break us, and since I truly believed that my CP made me less than adequate, my reality conformed to that idea. It was shaped by it, but even though I knew about manifestation/the law of attraction, I still felt powerless to change my situation. Up until Thursday, it was really very frustrating that I could only get so close to my goals, but I now see that my belief was wrong. I now see the trap that I subconsciously built for myself.

Anyways, long story short; a friend of mine helped me find a way to publish my novel without a publishing company, traditional or otherwise. A) I’m going to rent a post office box. B) I’m going to fill out a form to register myself as a publisher, so I can get my ISBN numbers. C) Then I’ll use Amazon’s Kindle Direct Publishing service to get my novel out there. I figure that if I publish Starkeeper as an ebook first, it still will have the chance to be successful, even if no traditional publishing house picks it up. I looked into self publishing last month, but I thought that it wasn’t for me because there are parts that I can’t do on my own. However, my friend said she would help me.

Making my graphic novel has really been a journey, and has reminded me that there are always ways to achieve our goals. We just have to learn to see beyond the traps we build for ourselves.

Turkeys and Technology

Hey guys, 

As you may or may not know, I've been super super busy working on my graphic novel, and trying to have it published. It's kinda overwhelming.

Now, however, I'd like to take a few minutes to tell you about Cara, a fellow Tumblr blogger and a really awesome. :)

Most of you know how I like to connect with people and help empower them when I can, right? Well, Cara is doing exactly that!! She's helping to raise $3000 in order to provide turkeys for impoverished families this Thanksgiving. So, please watch her video if you'd like to donate or find out more!

I would LOVE to donate, but unfortunately, I don't currently have any way of making online payments. Similarly, if you would like to support what Cara's doing, and you're not able to do so financially, please share this, and help spread the word! 

Thanks, and much love.

André

P.S. I'm intending to blog again soon. :) I've just been quite focused on getting my novel published.

P.P.S. Click here, and visit Cara's blog for further info and updates!

Fearlessness

To me, fearlessness means being afraid, and not letting your fears stop you from achieving your goals.

Two of my major goals right now are to live independently in Toronto, and improve my self worth. Last week went quite well, the only unpleasant thing that happened was when one of my support workers kept refusing to do what I asked of her. This has been an ongoing issue with this particular person, but I haven't really spoken to anyone about it except to her and family. I didn't want to hurt her, nor having her mad at me. However, last week was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had enough, so I emailed my supervisor, and she came by today to talk about it. My support worker has been better this week, and I really don't like creating waves or making people angry, therefore I wanted to let it slide. Plus, I don't want my worker to think that I'm suddenly unappreciative of her. I feel very nauseous and anxious because of all this. However, I want to achieve my goals, so I an not going to let my fears stop me from standing up for myself.

I have to be comfortable with advocating for myself, especially if I want to move out. So in the end, and in spite of my anxiety, I feel that I've made the right decision.

The Making: Part II: Zombified

 Hey, I'm sorry that part two is so late, I've been feeling rather zombified. My new meds are killer! They make me drowsy, and it's hard to focus on anything. 

But anyway, I went out for a few hours on Friday. I saw and reconnected with some friends of mine. It was nice. I haven't seen them in two-and-a-half years, however, it felt right. They have a store that is spiritual in nature, so whether the rightness was born from that or from being around people who genuinely care about me, I don't know. ..Now that I think about it, it's probably a bit of both. 
On another note, having the house to myself is showing me that I definitely want to try living on my own. Be it at Gage or somewhere else, I think that I can handle it. I mean, it'll be an adjustment, but what isn't?

The Making: Part I: A Very Interesting Adventure

I started writing the following post last night, but I passed out before I could finish.

So, this is the first night that I am home alone. My family has left me to run off to Italy. I would've loved to go with them, however, I see this an opportunity to find out what I'm made of. This is the beginning of a very interesting adventure!

I've never been on my own before, so the next eight days are going to be rather intriguing! I was really nauseous earlier, but I'm okay now. My friend Norma said it was my anxiety, but I was more drained then anything. I took the new pills that the doctor prescribed for me. They seemed to help a whole lot, but they are making me drowsy, and I'm finding it hard to concetrate, so I'm gonna go. Night all!!

Hey everyone, to let you all know, I have just updated and added links to my About My Novel page.

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

So, for awhile now, people (my parents and OTs) have wanted me to get a hospital bed, and I've always refused. I don't want a hospital bed because it'd make me feel more disabled than I already am. I feel like it would affirm that I will never be able to achieve my goals. I would just be stuck in bed forever, and never have the life I want - the life that I'm working hard to get to. It seems like every time that I get closer to succeeding in living my dream life, something happens to negate the progress I make.

I feel like I'm taking one step forward but then two steps back. This is extremely frustrating, and it's why I was so mad when I was forced into "trying" the hospital bed that I am presently using. Then on Wednesday, my parents said that they are going to buy me my own hospital bed, which just made me even more pissed off because I really do not want one, plus it isn't me choosing to get the bed. However, I've decided not to fight with my mum and dad over the hospital bed anymore. I realized that a bed won't determine my success, nor will the letter that I got yesterday from the Centre for Independent Living in Toronto which said that they have taken me off their waiting list. I determine whether or not I'll succeed. It is up to me, and what I believe is possible for me.

The Plan

Hey guys, so here's my plan: I figure if I can finish one page a week, then I'll be able to release a FREE preview of Starkeeper prior to publication, for y'all in about a month. This seems doable, especially since I finished the first page last night! Stay tuned my friends because this graphic novel is going to happen! It is happening. ;)